Background and past experiences are key factors in this study. The systematic investigation of that background and those experiences provide insight into the cultures and interactions in those cultures as they existed in days gone by – they provide a historical view of identity. At the same time, the resources (e.g. time, effort, finance, etc.) employed to conduct the investigation might be misspent if this were just an exercise in recounting history. In other words, that assessment of the past is more valuable if it is connected to an account of the present.
Along those same lines, this entire work can realize its greatest merit as a reflective chamber for self examination if it provides a space in which the lives and identity experiences of those who engage the work may resonate. With those ends in mind, accounting of the present and resonance for the reader, this foreground section offers opportunities for reflection of identity experiences in the present tense. The prose, verses, sounds, sights, and songs here are not firm conclusions or grand theory. Rather, they are invitations to reflexive scholarship in the broadest sense that each person is a student in the school of life.
Finally, the prominence of identity as a topic throughout this project notwithstanding, the heart of this study is leadership. Like the heart as an organ, it remains mostly unnoticed, perhaps altogether unseen. In this section it is brought to the fore. And again, like the life-sustaining organ, we here sense that leadership, by definition, is vital to our existence.
On leadership this study has prompted me to think more deeply about multi-modal, creative research methods for leadership, especially in the field of education. My current leadership roles in education include teaching pre-service and in-service teachers, curriculum development for disciplines across the university, and program assessment and accreditation. In each of those areas, I can imagine possibilities for leadership improvement for both myself and those with whom I work. For example, I hope this study will facilitate dialogue among educators about how teachers and students to “slip in,” and what implications slipping in might have for teaching and learning. Likewise, for education leaders the present study can be useful in deliberations on juxtapositions, conflicts and possible resolutions between curricular ideals (spoken and unspoken) and the experiences of people who are marginalized in education communities. For areas such as program assessment and accreditation, the study could contribute to frameworks of what counts as knowledge and how knowledge and skill are demonstrated. Moreover, I hope that Black leaders, in education and in all fields, understand that their unique ways of thinking about and doing leadership are valuable even if that value varies by cultural context as has been the case in my experiences. I hope that Black leaders and leaders of all persuasions find resonance, inspiration and some measure of transferability from my experiences.
Black males are slipping in
In the research I found that my identities are shaped by society. I feel as though the social construction of race and its attendant biases (Gannon, 2016; Jabbar et al., 2022; Obach, 1999; Smedley & Smedley, 2005), causes me, a Black male, to constantly have to slip in to circumstances in ways that I might not otherwise do as my full, authentic self. Upon reflection, I think that might hold true for every Black person, male and female. Thinking about a woman, maybe every woman, intersectionality might say every Black woman: Imagine who she is…She is your cousin. She is your sister. She is the manager of the fastest growing unit in the organization, slipping in suggestions and solutions. She would be more direct but her supervisor says that she is too bossy – which means she is not a man.. She also happens to be a 20-year veteran teacher taking night classes between cooking family dinner and grading papers while getting mansplained by a 20-year old sophomore why her lesson plans are no good.
Actually, these are not experiences I have to imagine. I observe them in the here and now reality of daily life. This leads me to believe that I am not the only one slipping in. People are slipping in trying to be productive and survive in hostile environments. People are oppressed, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, confused, hopeless, lost, and seeking. If they are like me, people are seeking the privilege of living authentically. And with that authenticity people want to belong without having to slip in.
The exploration of experiences at Hayes Memorial Adventist School and the Rothbury School was guided by the research questions outlined in the methodology section of this study. At each turn in the process, from gathering the artifacts and collecting memories to writing and analyzing stories, these questions were applied:
- What successes and challenges have I experienced as a leader?
- How have my successes and challenges been shaped by my identities?
- How do my leadership experiences reflect interaction between myself and society?
- What lessons can be learned from my experiences?
Those questions functionally crafted the stories and guided the exploration. They are answered with varying degrees of directness throughout the foregoing sections. Those same questions are brought forward here and considered, not as discrete lines of inquiry but as threads twisted into a tapestry of identity, personhood and leadership.
Working through the process of exploring experiences, the questions resist pat answers or firm conclusions. Rather, they lead to “reframing and refocusing” questions (S. Hughes et al., 2012) that further define the shape of identity. For example, as the inquiry progressed, questions emerged about how more or less I belong in any given space as both in the identities in question and as a creative leader. As discussed, spontaneous creation is the way that seems most natural to me. My highest aim is to be in a state of perpetual creativity. Is that part of what it means to be in the image of God? The idea that our human creativity is the result of us being made as creatives in the image of God (McLeish, 2020; Pikor, 2022). To be creative is, for me, to be authentic. And living authentically is living creatively. That engenders questions: Are there spaces in which one belongs as the authentic self? Are there places in which one does not belong – as an authentic self? Is it somehow my responsibility to establish belonging – in other words to form or reform my identities to assimilate to any given situation? What does belonging feel like? Consider those questions as they are explored in this performance:
Belonging
Seventh-day Adventist religion and faith mirror
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
(1 Corinthians 13:12)
Considering the preceding deliberations, it occurs to me that a reader might misunderstand my feelings about the Seventh-day Adventist Church. While it is true that experiences with the church have, at times, been less than fulfilling, it is also true that I have gained a great deal of good by association with the church. Faith is a good part of my association with the church. It might be impossible to tease out whether I came to organized religion through faith or if I came to faith through organized religion. However, I am certain that many of my faith experiences have been lived in the context of organized religion, namely the Seventh-day Adventist Church. For those faith experiences in that context, I am extremely grateful.
Moreover, faith has been for me like a mirror of self-reflection and self-examination. When I look into the mirror of faith, I am able to see myself as myself. And in the mirror I am able to see myself as uniquely free because the mirror always tells the truth. In the mirror, you see what you see. Jesus said, “…the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). Think about it. The mirror provides the opportunity to see beyond what people see and how society says you are or ought to be. In the mirror you are free. Look deeply into your eyes in the mirror. No one else can see what you see there. That is freedom! Freedom from the lie that you are not good enough. Freedom from the lie that you can never be authentic. See it in your eyes, in your face, in your hands, in your body, in your being. No mirror? Close your eyes and see it in your imagination. You can see it there. In your imagination. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Your change will come!
Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.
(1 John 3:2)
The Jazz Avant-garde: Just play
Quoting from the Hayes Memorial experience: “I did not believe that rehearsal was a good thing.” That could be the most important data point in this project. Maybe not. But it could be. I thought rehearsal is part of a culture of laziness. How ironic! I grew up in a culture of spontaneous creation, but I had overlooked how much time everyone in that culture spent practicing. Perhaps there are some creatives who can freely, spontaneously create without practice. It seems more likely that there was quite a bit of practice time involved. I had never thought about how much time I had spent practicing. Much like eating and sleeping, for me practice was and is just a daily routine.
A concept popularized in the book “Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell (2008) that promotes the research of Anders Ericsson and colleagues (Anders Ericsson et al., 2007; K. A. Ericsson et al., 1993) suggests that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to reach the top of your craft. Such an argument seems to have some merit, in as much as one would likely be at least practiced in a thing after 10,000 hours, if not quite good. Counting only my college years, I had practiced 10,000 hours (Eight hours per day for four years, sometimes more in the summer months, for at least 330 days over 4 years would be about 10,560 hours) by the time I was teaching at Hayes Memorial Adventist School. Nonetheless, I never made a connection or had any insight during my time at Hayes Memorial on the relationship between a novice approach to music making and an expert, or at least highly practiced, approach.
I want to spend another moment on this point. Subsequent to “Outliers” – Gladwell’s widely read work – Anders Ericsson, the originator of the 10,000 hour concept, issued a correction to Gladwell. Ericsson and Pool (2016) say that there is nothing “magical” about the 10,000 hours. The number was an average in the studies he conducted. Ericsson and Pool maintain that “deliberate practice” (A. Ericsson & Pool, 2016, p. 97) is what is most important. Deliberate practice is set within the two conditions: a field (e.g. music) in which experienced performers are differentiated from novice performers by considerably higher levels of knowledge and skill; and a teacher who gives the learner specific guidance as to which activities will improve performance. Within those conditions, deliberate practice: uses proven techniques, pushes the performer beyond familiarity, calls for undisrupted concentration to and awareness of performance tasks, is responsive to and adjusts according to expert assessment of performance, and progressively and iteratively improves based on previous knowledge and experience (A. Ericsson & Pool, 2016, pp. 97–100). Ericsson and Pool conclude: “In pretty much any area of human endeavor, people have a tremendous capacity to improve their performance, as long as they train the right way” (A. Ericsson & Pool, 2016, p. 113).
There are insights for leadership in these lines of thought. First, as the old adage goes: “Practice what you preach!” Literally, do the thing (s) that you ask people to do – not only do those things but also be at the top of the game. Next, as far as it is in your power, encourage people to be the best. Provide training, tools, and support required to not only do but improve the doing. That means build in deliberate practice time to the doing schedule. Musicians call that time rehearsal. It is practicing performance, which is separate from skills practice. An example from education might be providing students with opportunities to practice taking tests (rehearsal) in addition to doing homework assignments (skills practice).
Another leadership lesson from the experiences: give people the tools, training, and practice, then give them space to perform their authentic selves – in other words, to “just play.” Once again, this has to do with freedom. As a Black male, avant-garde musician, performing my authentic self is an approach to wholeness and unity. That is, the performance of authentic self frees my self, even if temporarily, from the daily “double conscious”, slipping in existence. The act of just playing is an act of healing. And I suspect that this could be the case for many people from a wide range of identities. At the core, making space for “just play” authenticity is making space for healing, restoration and wholeness – in philosophical (ontological) terms, “just play” can be thought of as metaphysical unity.
As a segue to the last articulations in this study, I will share transparently that my own mention of the “metaphysical” surprises me. As is, hopefully, evidenced by the variety of means of expression in this work, my primary philosophical interest has been epistemological, specifically ways of knowing. I believe that the arts hold vast potential for conveying meaning, understanding, knowledge, and wisdom that: a. are not inferior to verbal-linguistic/textual ways knowing; and b. if given more prominence in the academy, would serve to amplify the voices of people whose contributions have been at least muted, if not entirely silenced. Once again, these appear to be responsibilities of leadership.
Continuing with the metaphysical surprise, that revelation speaks, at least in part, to the effectiveness of this study as a contribution to leadership improvement. Knowing the self is important. I have certainly come to know myself better through this study. And I hope that the work has been illuminating for the reader. At the same time, understanding the nature of [my] existence – being inside one’s being – is of equal import. This study has not attended explicitly to such ontological matters. Quite unexpectedly, yet no less pleasantly, it is clear that ontologically focused research and research into different identities could be future endeavors.
Finally, “just play” can be thought of as enactment of creative tension. Robert Fritz construes “creative” or “structural tension,” as operating and seeking resolution between vision and reality (Fritz, 1989, 1999). Upon listening, free music or the jazz avant-garde could be construed as lacking, avoidance, or dismissal of any and all structure. Indeed, it could be for some people. However, I would argue that free music is at once structure and freedom. Following Fritz, free music asks, “What structures should [the music] adopt to create the results I want to create?” (Fritz, 1989, p. 11). A wise musician friend uses the example of poets using the structure of sonnets and musicians using the structure of “Body and Soul” as spaces where creative tension is enacted. The jazz avant-garde rejects dominant, oppressive structures and seeks to replace them with structures that promote freedom (Baraka, 1983; J. W. Coltrane, 1975/1962). I believe that the jazz avant-garde engages creativity in the space where structure and freedom exist together in unity. I imagine “just play” as the creatures described in the Book of Ezekiel flowing through space with the intersecting and simultaneously unitary wheels of structure and freedom:
As I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the ground beside each creature with its four faces. This was the appearance and structure of the wheels: They sparkled like topaz, and all four looked alike. Each appeared to be made like a wheel intersecting a wheel. As they moved, they would go in any one of the four directions the creatures faced; the wheels did not change direction as the creatures went. Their rims were high and awesome, and all four rims were full of eyes all around.
When the living creatures moved, the wheels beside them moved; and when the living creatures rose from the ground, the wheels also rose. Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, and the wheels would rise along with them, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels. When the creatures moved, they also moved; when the creatures stood still, they also stood still; and when the creatures rose from the ground, the wheels rose along with them, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
(Ezekiel 1:15-21)
It seems appropriate to the work of autoethnography that we conclude with questions – for who can know the self with certainty! How can leadership be defined in relation to the self and identity? How can leadership learn from the experiences of a Black male, Seventh-day Adventist, jazz avant-garde artist? My prayer is these last reflections provide spaces to contemplate these questions. Ultimately, I pray that you, dear reader, experience peace, love, and unity – in other words, freedom.
Leadership is…[teaching] Shante Curtelia Dominique Ophelia Brown Johnson.
Shante Curtelia Dominique Ophelia Brown Johnson
is in your class
She is a real person
And, yes, that is her real name.
Her life is Black and white
There is no color
only color lines
signifying no love
not even for herself.
Love slipped out
along with hate
that slipped
into something more comfortable –
a lie.
Not a lie –
a life;
A double life,
a DuBois double
conscious-necessary-for-survival life;
a double life –
seen as a problem
invisible as a person.
But I digress…this is not about me,
it’s all about you…
Shante is in your class
She comes to school
after she does what her mother can’t –
feed the baby
the two brothers
who love their big sister
who is not yet fifteen.
She is a mother
as her mother
slipped
into a life
she was pushed
into by a man
she loved.
She wanted a better life
for her daughter
who is her
[children’s] mother.
Shante slips
into her mask
into your classroom
into a seat in the back
puts down her head.
She can’t read
Shakespeare today –
or ever –
unless you ask her
to dance.
Ask her
to dance
to a tune called
student engagement.
Shante doesn’t
know that music
the rhythm,
that strange middle
class routine slipped
into curriculum
into a textbook
you dance to.
Ask her to dance
again she says
she doesn’t know
how to dance.
You say she does,
you saw her
dancing
on the playground
screaming
out loud
in a quiet moment
crying
to be a child
for once.
Ask her to dance
she says yes
she is embarrassed
everyone is cheering her
you told them to cheer her –
onto a spinning hot dance platter
turning the tables
the music rises
you glow
in triumph of
theory-driven-evidence-based-data-differentiated-ESL-RTI-culturally-responsive teaching –
no –
ped-a-go-gy.
Check the teacher’s edition
turn up the music
right on cue
the dance begins
as if choreographed
by the department of education
and Shante
She raises her hand
You ask her
to dance
write
an essay
about
family life.
She asks
to go
to
the bathroom.
Leadership is… looking in the mirror and asking: “What would Jesus do?”
Look in the mirror
Do you see me?
I see you!
Where have you been?
Looking
longing
for
you
Weary
with
desire
and
wonder
Where have you been?
Smile
those
eyes
captured
my
heart
Smile
those
lips
kiss
me
deep
Open wide
let’s go
down
deep
inside
In
the
dark
a
light
a
fire
glowing
hot
You
cry
I
cry
Keep
going
deeper
Find
the
fire
the
light
is
above
us
The
fire
burning
is
over
us
We
are
consumed
passion
compassion
Look in the mirror
Do you hear our hearts?
Rising
failing
rising
falling
A
boat
bounding
on
waves
of
time
Our
love
ship
will
never
fail
We
sail
somewhere
between
space
and
time
between
structure
and
freedom
Look in the mirror
Do you hear the voice?
The
water
calling
your
name
The
voice
of
God
calling
peace
passion
compassion
Somewhere
between
space
and
time
between
structure
and
freedom
Out of the boat
one foot down
the other foot
down
Not looking
in the mirror
Do you see yourself?
Walking on water
Leadership is… just play…
just play is a big, sandy beach,
in other words
your imagination
where thinking
is moving sand around
endlessly forming
reforming
shape
unshape
with your hands
with your toes
with your heart
there is no right way
to move the sand
with your hand
just move the sand
or don’t move
the sand
is it even possible to not move
the sand?
just play is digging in the sand
when you were just moving the sand
into endless shapes
or no shapes
you felt the sand
on your fingers
between your toes
on your body
but you barely felt
the sand
in your heart
so you dig
dig
dig
dig
you dig
deep into
what is buried
lies
cheating
insults
backstabbing
abandonment
beating
stop digging
that is enough digging
go back to the surface
move the sand around
with your hands
think more
play more
imagine more
digging
deeper
with your heart
anger
frustration
icy stares
hateful looks
name calling
harassment
lynching
choke holds
a knee on your neck
you do not succeed
because you are lazy
unqualified
uneducated
lazy
dishonest
lazy
thief
you are all the dope
and knives
and guns
that walk into a neighborhood
supermarket
and kill
all the
lazy
dishonest
lazy
thieves
who chose
to traverse
a putrid
boiling
caldron
called
Atlantic
in chains
just to go
to this very
supermarket
to buy
replacement
maybe that is enough digging
for today
just play is talking
to your heart
with another heart
in other words
listening
no correcting
adding nothing
or subtracting
anything
from the heart
stories
rich stories
never wanting to lose wealth
losing everything
to war
to disease
to madness
poor stories
always wanting to lose poverty
losing everything
to war
to disease
to sadness
middle class stories
which really means poor
of always wanting to be rich
never becoming
– like the widow who put all that she had to live on in the collection plate at church –
they sacrificed
all their living
to the unholy
god of consumerism
popular politicians
play pronouns, prepositions
pretense and promise
of perpetual prosperity
sincere politicians
don’t say sincerely insincere
give them some sincerity
certainly they are family, friends
yourself
just play is hearing
those stories
and inviting them all
to the table
to eat
it is the eating part
with family, friends, politicians,
yourself –
no talking
because the eating part,
the eating part
you know
everyone eating
nourishing
everyone
at the table
some more
some less
everyone eating
just play is eating,
eating is knowing
knowing is another story
always another story
bigger
more beautiful
always another
story, that is
soul being
who is life
who is soul
who is being
who is God
more beautiful
more being
more knowing
God is all
Spirit
Truth
Fire
Holy Rain
structure
freedom
all
at once
all
of time
beyond time
God is all
unity
not idea
not ideology
unity
just play is unity
with God
oneness
with God
Just play is oneness
with every person
race
religion
right
left
distractor
divider
destroyer
lover
hater
just play is structure
and freedom
all at once
all the time
beyond time
just play is oneness
with God
Just Play